“I only ever seem to date emotionally unavailable men!” she said to me, with both a grimace and a smile. “Can you help me?”
“I can.” I replied.
“The results you get are perfect for the system you have created…”
An entrepreneur who had just sold his first business told me, “I only built my first business to be happy. I just sold it for 8-figures. And I’m still not happy! Can you help me?”
“I can.” I replied.
“The results you get are perfect for the system you have created…”
A famous actor told me that she was devastated her project had been given to another celebrity, just as production was about to start.
Her anger and frustration at the situation might seem reasonable but I refused to buy into her story and she was stunned. I said,
“The results you get are perfect for the system you have created…”
During a Deep Coaching session, she shared with me some situations she’d faced as a child. And as I went deeper still, we uncovered two deeply held—yet contradictory—beliefs.
The first belief was, “I will be safe once I am successful.”
This belief had led her to greater and greater success and fame.
And the second belief was, “If I really have success, people will take advantage of me.”
This had an unconscious effect that seemed to occur again and again in her life, where opportunities were “taken away” at the very last minute.
I suggested that when the studio executives told her they were giving the project to someone else she had accepted it because she was secretly relieved.
I asked her what would have happened if she had looked them in the eyes and said, “I don’t give a **** how famous the other actor is. She’s not me. No one has been through the experiences that I have. No one understands this project like I do. There is no one in the entire world who could play this role with the passion and tenacity and courage that I will bring to it.”
She looked at me, blinking slowly, and said, “Oh my God.”
She paused, in silence, for several minutes.
I held my breath, held her gaze and bit my tongue—for far longer than felt comfortable. But that’s what my clients pay me most for. My silence.
Finally she responded, “I really could have said that to them…”
The Perfect System
It was 2009 and I was on an airplane, on a flight to Arizona, to see my coach.
I was reflecting on my life when a thought struck me.
I was making more money than I had ever made in my life, yet I still seemed to be struggling with money.
The words of my friend Steve Chandler rang in my ears on that flight, “The results you get are perfect for the system you have created…”
I picked up a pen and drew a mind map of how I was literally creating what I called, Rich Litvin’s Perfect System for a Constant Struggle Around Money (No Matter How Much You Earn).
The title alone made me smile.
The picture you see below is the very image I sketched out on that flight. I just added a nice title, later.
The Perfect System
As I drew this image, I realized that I was a real master at struggling with money—no matter how much I earned. I could teach this to anyone!
Here’s the thing about being a coach, when you do the work on yourself, it soon becomes something you can teach to others.
I began to share my Perfect System with my clients and I quickly discovered that I had inadvertently created one of the most powerful tools for change that I have ever used.
Let me teach you how it works.
The Perfect System in 5 steps
- I always… Ask your client to tell you an I always statement. This is something that has been frustrating them for a long time, that usually begins with the words, I always…
Here are some examples: I always end up exhausted, no matter how successful I become… I always make just enough money to get by… I constantly date emotionally unavailable men… Opportunities are always taken away from me at the last minute… - Humor… Bring some fun into the conversation. OMG. I can see that. It sounds like you could teach a masterclass on “How to always end up exhausted, no matter how successful you become…”
Exaggerate the humor for effect. Could I be one of your students?! Would you teach me? - The Masterclass… Ask them to tell you their top 3 tips to be a master at this habitual situation of theirs.
Then, take them deeper. Ask them to tell you 3 tiny details or nuances that anyone who wasn’t already a master would miss.
They’ll probably laugh out loud! For example, the woman who used to date emotionally unavailable men taught me precisely how to spot one, across a crowded room at a party! - The Mind Map… Have them sketch out their own mind map, like the one above. You can even show them mine or one that you’ve created for yourself, as an example.
- That’s it! Awareness is everything and once the mind map is complete, the session is complete. Ask them to reflect on it for the next week or so, until your next coaching session.
Then, over the next 90 days, use your coaching sessions to continue to witness and reflect on the unconscious habits and patterns—that are mapped out on their piece of paper. Over time, you will both begin to see how they loosen their hold on them.
If you really want to use this powerful tool, start now—send me the mind map for your very own Perfect System and watch what happens, over the weeks ahead, as you make the unconscious conscious…
Love. Rich